Fried Feral
by Bloodlustful
Summary: Felina Feral has just stumbled upon the Swat Kats's headquarters, and she's drunk as the dickens. Recipe for disaster, right? Or is it? Let's find out.


Hey, since Felina Feral is my favorite of the main heroines in Swat Kats, and since I think there are too few stories about her on this site, I decided I would make one of my own. In this story, she is very frustrated with her uncle and all his coming down on the Swat Kats, so she deals with her exasperation by taking refuge in drink. But what happens when she loses track of how much booze she has and ends up loaded as fuck? Especially when, in her inebriated state, she stumbles upon the Swat Kats in their secret headquarters? A disaster waiting to happen, right? Let's find out how the Swat Kats deal with it. This is meant to be a hilarious, crude humor kind of fic, and there's a surprise at the end, too!

I own none of the characters. They all belong to the Swat Kats: The Radical Squadron franchise.

Fried Feral

T-Bone and Razor had just returned to their secret base from saving the day yet again, and after smashing fists and celebrating very vocally, they were just about to change back into their non-superhero selves. But before they could, Razor heard groaning outside of the door. "Hey, T-Bone, do you hear that?" asked Razor. "Yeah." T-Bone replied. "Sounds like someone is moaning or something. We'd better see what this is." So they went to the door, still disguised as their Swat Kat selves, and opened it, only to see that in front of them, looking very awkward and unstable as she barely managed to stand, was none other than Lieutenant Felina Feral, the niece of their former commander, Ulysses Feral, and, in contrast to her uncle, one of their top notch supporters, friends and helpers. Only this time, she wasn't her usual self.

Why? Because of the aforementioned unstableness and trouble standing, plus the way she did not look as beautiful and down to earth as she usually did. "FELINA?" T-Bone and Razor said in unison with much shock. "Eh…who…T-Bode…Rathor…why're y' guys 'ere…where'd I go…" "Uhh…this is our headquarters?" Razor said uncertainly. "She doesn't look well or right at all." T-Bone commented. "You think?" Razor asked. "We're gonna have to see why she's all of a sudden like this." "I'll deal with that." T-Bone said. So he ran and got hold of a scanning detector device and quickly went over to Felina. This detector also had a gauge for what was inside what it was being used to scan. He pointed it at Felina, and immediately results showed.

"Let's see…" T-Bone said as he and Razor looked to the device. "Felina Feral…Gender: Female…Known Relatives…Ulysses Feral…Uncle…Current Blood Pressure…110/70…Current Blood Ethyl Alcohol Content…is .10%...Point Ten Percent…OH MY GOD." After the last three words, which he said with much disbelief, T-Bone put his hand over his face. "Tell me she is not wasted!" Razor exclaimed in an immensely surprised tone of voice. "I'm afraid so, Razor." T-Bone sighed with frustration. "Felina's been drinking." "Felina, this is NOT like you!" Razor told her, but Felina, in her drunken state, told him: "…whass noah like me…don't a mean ol' cunt like me get t' b' a b'd girl ev'ry once in a wh'le? I ain't a l'il girl no more, in case y' din' notice…"

"Felina, we have to keep you in here and make sure you don't do anything foolish!" let out T-Bone. "Razor, shut the goddamn door, fast!" Razor quickly did so, and locked it without T-Bone even having to tell him. Then Razor added: "When you get back to normal, you aren't going to fucking remember ANY of this!" "For God's sake, Felina…" T-Bone said, "what could possibly have driven you to put your body through hell like this?" "Wha…ell…thass fuckin' bull if y' ass me…" Felina gargled. "An' why y' grabbin' me like sis…why don' y' leggo'a me…" "I can't do so with a guarantee you won't get hurt!" T-Bone told her. "You're so drunk it's amazing you're still conscious, let alone capable of speech!" "Now, like he asked," Razor said, "what in God's name made you want to drink so much?"

_Flashback…Lt. Felina Feral had gotten into yet another argument with her uncle, Ulysses Feral, over the Swat Kats earlier in the day, when they had once more thwarted the evil plans of their usual adversaries. And she had played a major hand in helping them do so, along with her uncle, both kicking a lot of ass along with the Swat Kats. But her uncle still loathed them and thought of them as reckless vigilantes, and was very vocal about his disapproval of her helping them this time like she often had, as well as her support for them. She was enraged that after all this time, he still didn't trust or support the Swat Kats, even though they outdid him in terms of helping innocents. After a long while of quarreling, Felina just was pissed and livid beyond belief, and she didn't even want to be in the same room as her uncle, nor near anyone, for that matter. Not even Callie Briggs or the Swat Kats themselves. _

_ So, needing a way to cope with how ticked off she was right now, she went to the city bar and ordered herself a bottle of the strongest liquor the bar had to offer. She then was given a little glass and poured some liquor into it. While fuming, though silently and in thought, about how irascible she was right now, especially toward her uncle, she initially kept an eye on how many shots of liquor she was drinking, but soon lost track because her ire escalated by the second and she had so much to think about, not to mention so much steam to let off. By the time she stopped drinking, she'd emptied the bottle. It was a good thing she had paid before taking the liquor from the bartender, because she now just staggered out of the bar and around all of the streets of MegaKat City. _

_ Eventually, after a lot of staggering around awkwardly and not noticing how many of the civilians were looking at her with confusion, surprise and bewilderment, she managed to get to the garage door of Chance Furlong and Jake Clawson. Fumbling with the buttons by the door due to her drunken state, she unknowingly got it open, then she stumbled on in and hit the button to close the door, also unknowingly. Once the door to the garage was shut, she staggered over to what would turn out to be the door to the Swat Kats secret headquarters after clumsily and very awkwardly going down the stairs. This led to how her moaning and groaning would be heard at the door by the Swat Kats just as they'd returned home and what was happening now. _

"Hic…" Felina told them. "My stupit…unca thinks…he's still bess…there is…I couldn't stad it any lonner…had t' do somethin' t' deal wit' how much 'e pisses me ov…" T-Bone sighed and told Razor: "She clearly had another dispute with her uncle about us, and this one worse than usual. So she went to a bar to relieve her maddened feelings, and obviously got herself drunk in the fucking process, probably without even realizing it." "Dammit, Felina, we're not exactly fond of your less than just commander uncle either, but as annoying as he can be, AND HE CAN BE VERY ANNOYING, too, that's no reason to risk maiming your liver!" Razor exclaimed. "I'd also like to point out that if he sees you like this, he'll be angrier than ever!" T-Bone stated. "Zee if I gare…" Felina gasped out. "Hic…stupud unca Ulissez don' even know what he tuggin' about…bet his feats weren't even real…" "Oh, man, let's just hope to hell he doesn't see her like this, but especially with US!" Razor pointed out.

"Well said." T-Bone replied. "He'll no doubt blame us for this state she's in. He's always looking for an excuse to close the file on our asses. But first thing's first…we need to care for her as much as possible, especially since she's my girl…" "Indeed. Felina's safety is extremely important here, as is her well being and how we deal with things when she recovers." Razor said in agreement. So T-Bone said: "Felina…I'm going to pick you up and bring you to a bed in here. Then you're going to have to sleep this crap off…" "Man, all that nasty booze you put in your system…what were you thinking, Felina? I thought you were smarter than that." Razor sighed. "Hey, no insulting my lady." T-Bone growled, which silenced Razor immediately and ensured he'd make no drunk jokes or smart-ass remarks. The glare T-Bone gave him helped further assure this.

"Yoo put me the fug down dis instand…" Felina hissed as she wrenched herself free, then landed on her feet, and T-Bone and Razor both thought: "Phew. Good thing all cats still land on their feet, even when drunk…" Then Felina went: "I don' need no bed…I'm jus' vine…my unca can kiz my azzz…dunno an' don' gare where Gallie Priggs is righ' noaw…gawd…am I fed up wit' dis jit…" Suddenly, she threw her head back and made a very guttural kind of noise. One look and T-Bone and Razor looked at one another with their eyes wide open, knowing on the spot what she was about to do.

"Uh, T-Bone? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to find out what she's going to do in about 2.2 seconds!" "Uh, Razor? I know that!" T-Bone replied. "Go get the soap and towels while I get the fucking hose!" So Razor ran to get the towels and soap, while T-Bone ran to get the hose. Of course, these things were usually used to keep the TurboKat clean, but this time they would serve a different purpose. Because on not the TurboKat, but the floor, Felina threw her head forward and then threw up! She vomited so much that by the time T-Bone and Razor were back, they had to stop when they were just a foot into the room. Her puking seemed like it would never end, but it finally did at long last. Once she ended her upchuck hurling, Felina passed out and fell against the TurboKat, though thankfully not headfirst.

"Oh, the humanity…" Razor shivered. "Well, lucky thing is, she at least is unconscious now, so we can put her to bed and let her recover with no problem, and she at least puked on the floor, and not the TurboKat." "Small favors." Razor said. "This is still going to be nothing short of a hard, dirty job." Luckily, they managed to clean up the mess after a while, and once it was all done, they put their cleaning equipment away. Then T-Bone picked up the still comatose and out cold Felina and placed her on the bed he meant to put her on before. As soon as she was laid down and asleep, covers over her, head on the pillow and everything, T-Bone came to a very fast decision on one other matter.

"Oh, and Razor?" he said. "We need to call both Callie Briggs and her uncle about this." "What?" Razor said. "Okay, Callie I can understand, but Commander Feral? Come on! If we do that, he'll be getting told that his NIECE who ARGUED WITH HIM just an hour or so ago is in a bed within the HEADQUARTERS of the SWAT KATS who he DESPISES, and after the way she GOT INTOXICATED AS HELL, no less! We'll be digging our own graves!" "As true as that may turn out to be, he's got to know, so we have to risk it!" T-Bone spoke. "Man, you and your overly brave, daring attitude…" Razor sighed. "All right…I'll call Callie…"

So Razor called Callie Briggs and T-Bone called Commander Ulysses Feral. As soon as both had finished their calls, they went to tell each other the outcome. "So, what did Callie say?" asked T-Bone. "She told me that she was glad I let her know, and that she would gladly come to look after Felina while she recovers just in case anything happens that we need to take action about." Razor replied. "Good old Callie. Ever so faithful and supportive of us." T-Bone smiled. "Indeed." concurred Razor. "So, dare I ask how her uncle reacted when he found out of his niece being drunk and us keeping her safe?" "Well, he initially came at me real hard, but then he came to grips with how it was basically his fault she wanted any booze at all, and acknowledged it was good of us to keep her safe in her time of need, plus we had helped a great deal with keeping the scum in their place. So he's going to come over here and see how she's doing."

"Bingo!" Razor said. "This could be where he finally accepts that he's been misjudging us all this time!" But as soon as he saw T-Bone giving him a "get real" look, he sighed and said: "Yeah, yeah. Wishful thinking…" "Wishful indeed. Not that I wouldn't give a kidney for that to happen…" T-Bone stated. "By the way, he doesn't know Callie will be here, too, or vice versa, and their opinions don't exactly match." Razor said. "Yeah, but we could explain everything to them in a nutshell. Actually, I was thinking you could do that while I look after Felina. She may be out cold, but she still needs SOMEONE by her side." T-Bone suggested. "Okay, but I'm suspicious you're only using this as an excuse to be with her alone." Razor accused. "After all, like you say, she IS your girl!" "WHATEVER!" T-Bone barked, flustered. "Like you wouldn't do the same fucking thing if it were Callie in her place!" "You got me there, I admit it." Razor confessed.

Without another word, T-Bone walked into the room where he had put Felina to bed, and Razor a minute later saw Callie and Ulysses enter. "Hello, Callie. Commander Feral." Razor said to them. "How are you two doing?" "Well, I am just relieved you gave me the heads up on poor Felina's condition," Callie replied, "though I also love that I'm able to get into the base of the duo I most support and love helping! Me, in the base of the Swat Kats! Would be a dream come true if it weren't under these kinds of circumstances." "HOW AM I DOING?" exploded a very livid Commander Feral. "HOW AM I DOING? I'M FURIOUS THAT I'VE STOOPED AS LOW AS TO ENTER THE GODDAMN BASE OF THE DUO I LOATHE THE MOST AND THAT I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE MY NIECE CARELESSLY GOT HERSELF DRUNK AS THOUGH SHE WERE STILL A FUCKING TEENAGER, THAT'S HOW THE HELL I'M DOING!" "Whoa, cool your jets!" Razor said, holding his hands up as though to shield himself. "I was just asking!"

"Sorry…I'm just feeling so shitty right now…" Commander Feral sighed. "I know it was my pissing her off that caused her to get pissed without meaning to…" He then thought: "My God, I never thought I'd apologize to one of the Swat Kats…" He just shook his head and told him: "Look, thanks for taking care of my niece in her time of need. But you are still reckless vigilantes, and should you ever cross the line, I will have you arrested on sight." "Well, good thing we'll never cross the line then, huh?" asked Razor. "And let's face it, you're really just trying to cover up how much you fear for Felina." Callie stated. "Yes, I suppose so…" admitted Ulysses. "And Callie…that reminds me…I wasn't told by T-Bone you were coming here, as well." "Nor was I told by Razor you were coming here." Callie spoke. "But I will account for that right now." Razor told them. "See, we thought both of you had a right to know of what had happened, but we didn't count on both of you deciding to come here. So when we found that out, T-Bone had me explain that to you while he looked after Felina. He's by her side right now, as a matter of fact."

"WHAT?" exclaimed an astonished Commander Feral. "That big oaf is next to my niece right now? Unacceptable! I won't allow it! I'll…" "Commander, could you please knock it off?" asked Callie. "They're caring for your niece and they even cleaned up her vomit mess after she barfed up the liquor she took in too much of by mistake." Commander Feral sighed and he then went: "Fine…but when the level of guilt I feel goes down enough so I can stand to be in her presence again, I'm taking T-Bone's place whether he wants me to or not." "Fair enough." Razor said. "Thanks for your help, Callie." "Not a problem. Always glad to help the Swat Kats." "Your support is appreciated, as always." Razor smiled. Hearing such things really did grind the gears of Commander Feral, but he bit his tongue, not wanting to fly into a rage with his niece still out like a light and being cared for by the duo he usually hated with a passion.

Within the room T-Bone was in, he had, while watching over the sleeping Felina, heard all of what had been said out where Razor was with the other two. Then he saw Felina waking up, her drunken state having worn off, and she saw him. "T…Bone?" asked Felina. "Yeah, it's me. How are you feeling, Felina? Better, I hope." T-Bone said. "Well, a little, yeah…" Felina told him. "Though I do feel a bit weak…how did I end up here, by the way? Not to sound at all ungrateful for how you obviously helped me, whatever happened, but…" "You sort of drank too much liquor and stumbled across the city into our headquarters…" T-Bone explained. "Oh, I see…" Felina said, a bit embarrassed. "Must have been that argument I had with my uncle…"

"Yeah…" T-Bone told her. "He and Callie are in here right now, by the way. Razor's talking with them. They know what happened. We had to tell them for obvious reasons." "I'm glad you did." Felina said. "Otherwise, I'd be wracked with wondering how they'd take this, especially Uncle Ulysses…" "He actually feels guilty, by the way. So I guess he won't be chewing you out or anything once you're fully back to normal." T-Bone told her." That's good to hear…" Felina replied. "By the way, you look uncertain about something…" Indeed, T-Bone had always viewed Felina as his girl, but he never told her, nor acted like he looked at her that way. As such, Felina was unaware of his crush on her. He realized she'd noticed what he'd been hiding and he thought to himself: "All right…her uncle will soon want to replace me, and she's confused as to why I look as I do. Time to shit or get off the pot, big boy…"

So he told her softly: "It's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time, but I never thought I'd be able to, nor that I should. But this could be my one chance to do so." "And what is it you've wanted to tell me?" asked Felina. "Felina Feral…" T-Bone said, making sure not to hesitate despite an overwhelming urge to do so. "I love you…" "Funny you should say that…" Felina said. "T-Bone, I love you, too…" He opened his eyes wide, and Felina explained: "I can tell you've been in love with me for a long time. And likewise, I've felt the same about you for a long time…" "Whoa…I never knew…" T-Bone gasped. "Just like I never knew…" Felina said. "But now we both know. So even if we'll have to take it one step at a time, and put it together one piece at a time, let's do this while we can…" "Yes…" T-Bone said. "Let's kiss while the kissing is good…" And they did. They embraced one another in a tight hug and kiss, and their lips would not part until the voice of Felina's uncle was heard to end this kiss of theirs.

THE END

So, how did you guys like it? I hope it was as hilarious as I meant to it be! And that you liked the way it ended with T-Bone and Felina! Please rate and review, especially you Felina Feral fans!


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